The Ritual of Immortality

Who wouldn’t want to live forever? With these easy steps you will unlock the secret to immortality. Then you can kick back, relax, and watch everyone around you that you know and love die as you continue your ongoing existence. Follow these steps perfectly and you will achieve your lifelong dream of living a long life.

Step 1: Wake up at exactly 6:48 p.m. of your own free will. Any external devices used to drag you from your slumber will prevent your mind from being in the proper state needed to complete this ritual correctly. Be sure to be laying on your left side facing north. Your pillow must be stuffed with goose down that you retrieved yourself from living geese. The sheet underneath you must be a red, yellow, orange, blue, black, and green tie-dye pattern. The room you are in must not contain anything pink or yellow.

Step 2: Get out of the left side of bed. Your right foot must be the first to touch the floor.

Step 3: Dress quickly and exit the building. Using the moss on a tree to guide you, walk north. If at any time you hear leaves rustling, birds chirping, dogs barking, vehicles, voices, the wind, thunder, lightening, crickets, or insects of any kind this means the dark forces that be know what you are doing and will try to stop you. Run!

Step 4: Continue north in a perfectly straight line until you reach a natural body of water.

Step 5: Make sure you are alone.

Step 6: Continue to step seven.

Step 7: Remove all articles of clothing, jewelry, bandages, tattoos, and hair you might have and walk into the water.

Step 8: When you are neck deep in the water, sit in a cross-legged position with your eyes closed and contemplate the meaning of life.

Step 9: When you have found the answer, retrieve everything you have removed and skip slowly to the nearest fast food Mexican restaurant.

Step 10: Order a skillet of eggrolls. If the cashier gives you a confused look you have somehow messed up one of the previous steps of the ritual and you will need to start over again. If the cashier reaches under the counter and retrieves a mug of lasagne, accept it graciously without moving your lips and leave immediately.

Step 11: Walk to the nearest gas station. Grab a candy bar of your choice and walk to the nearest checkout line. When the cashier tells you the amount, hand them the mug of lasagne and leave. Do not take the candy bar with you.

Step 12: Walking backwards return home and get into bed.

Step 13: Lay in bed awake for the next eight days and sixty-four hours.

Step 14: Continue on to step fifteen.

Step 16: Fall asleep while counting sheep and when you wake up you shall be immortal! As long as you don’t die.